The doldrums

dol·drums

 (dōl′drəmz′, dôl′-, dŏl′-)

pl.n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)

1.

a. A period of stagnation or slump.

b. A period of depression or unhappy listlessness.

2.

a. A region of the ocean near the equator, characterized by calms, light winds, or squalls.

 

Yup. That's where I was. The doldrums. A definite state of stagnation and listlessness. A sort of wondering 'what I'm doing with my life?' and 'is this all there is?' place. I felt like enthusiasm, joy and happiness was a foreign language that I didn't understand. 

 

The thing about the doldrums is that I know when I'm in them but it's just so freaking hard to get out. I imagine myself on a sailing ship stuck in a becalmed ocean. Bored, empty, nothing but ocean for miles and miles. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. No future, nothing positive. Just stuck. The only thing that will move that ship out of the doldrums is for the wind to blow.

 

Lucky for me (and the people I live with) the doldrums never seem to keep me stuck for too long. This past time was two weeks too long and definitely felt weather-related. Hard to be sunny when it's been nothing but grey, awful and cold for weeks. Especially when it's supposed to be summer.

 

My wind finally blew in the shape of a long weekend away in Pebble Beach. We didn't necessarily get much sun but incredible (and inspirational meals) were had, moments around the fire pit were enjoyed, adventures and conversations were embarked upon. Note to self, sometimes a change of scenery is exactly what I need to get me going again.

The way I used to be...

I regularly receive compliments on my hair. My stylist goes into raptures over how lovely the color  is. People will say "you have the prettiest strawberry blonde hair!'. I say thank you then protest "but you should have seen my hair when..." And, as they look at me with confusion and disbelief, I tell them how my hair used to be "flaming, Irish, really, really red".

Because this is how I used to look (yes that's Derek):

And this is how I look now:

 

 

That's quite a difference. That isn't blonde up there on top of my head, it's white. Pure white. The paper white of my Papa's (my grandfather) hair. I used to be a redhead. I mean, I'm still a redhead, but I used to be more of a redhead. It's hard to picture, without a picture. Even with a picture. I miss my hair - it was the defining part of me. It was a very large part of how I was known and how I was recognized. You could always find me in a crowd. Now...I'm...defined in other ways. I'm Jacob's mom. I'm Derek's wife. I'm the Crazy Chicken Lady. Hard to pick those out in a group.

 

I miss my hair. I could dye it, but honestly it never looks the same and what's the point? Just like my laugh lines and smile crinkles, I earned every one of those white hairs.

 

Instead I will learn to, somewhat grudgingly, embrace my increasingly white hair. I will love that I inherited it from my grandfather. I will continue to learn to define myself in other ways. Crazy Chicken Lady is a pretty good start. 



Absence semi-explained

some days are just so exhausting and difficult that you just don't want to write about them. You're just trying to survive them. The screaming tantrums, the jumping up and down, the yelling (me) and anger (again me). I'd rather just forget they all happened.

We appear to have maybe, possibly, turned a corner? I'm scared to say anything, fearing that, like a butterfly or a hummingbird, just speaking about it will scare this new attitude away. My boy now says "sure, happy to" and "ok" and also lets me explain the reasons for things. Please, please, please let this last. Let the last couple of months be just an aberration that can vanish from my memory until I, like my mother and mother-in-law, are saying "three? I don't remember anything bad about the threes".

Stuff I've been up to when I wasn't here....

• I have been trying to say "sure" a lot more when he asks to do something. The way his face lights up when I do makes me smile.
• I am searching for a way to expand his breakfast repertoire. Maybe I'm getting ready to send him off to school with a belly full of nutrition or maybe I personally am just sick of the same old same old yogurt, granola and fruit.  Today we tried peanut butter on toast, ham, Manchego cheese and strawberries. The strawberries were a huge hit (shocker [sarcastic, the boy would live on fruit if he could]) as was the cheese (this actually was a surprise and I was sad that I had eaten most of it).
• Indeed I find myself pausing and thinking of the school run when I make breakfast now. I'm glad that his school starts at 9 and is 10 minutes from our house. I think that I may use the time to take our dog for a walk around a nearby lake. Or run an errand or two. I'm not sure what I will do with 6 hours of freedom a week.
• We booked a long weekend to Pt. Reyes for later this month. To see the wildflowers and to eat cheeses (Cowgirl Creamery is based up there) and oysters (Hog Island), to drink wine and to hike and relax. We found a cabin to rent that allows dogs and kids and looks charming. I can't wait. Somethings just feel marvelously fabulous.
• I've been selling stuff on craigslist - items we purchased that no longer suit us or our yard. Interesting how tastes can change so much.
• And I've been purchasing new items that do suit our current yard and the space we have to use. D suggested a porch swing (we actually have a house that suits a porch swing just right) and I am imagining nights spent outside just swinging and talking together. Watching J play in the yard. and pillows - every porch swing needs flowered pillows.
• We planted our tomatoes a couple of weekends ago - all 11 of them. Yeah I know. I love tomatoes.
• D did such an amazing job with the coop that I convinced him to build a little one as a 'way station' for the chicks until they're big enough to go in with the hens. It's a little version of the big coop and it's charming.
• Then I mentioned how nice it would be to have a new pen for the chicks and little coop and he didn't throw his phone at me so I think there will be a new pen in the chickens/mine/our future.
• Picked the first cherries today - they weren't quite ripe but J ate them very happily. He nibbled very delicately around the pits. Last year he ate the whole thing.  
• Tomorrow he and I are running to the mall that doesn't have an escalator and having lunch at a place called 'Melt' that only does grilled cheese. I think he and I will be very happy there.
• I've still been posting fun stuff at www.whatmomwears.com and I joined the twitter nation (yes, seriously). WMW is light and makes me happy. We all need happy. And glitter polish.

I was

feeling a bit like a failure last night. As a mother.

D and I decided that in order to save my sanity, we are sending J to preschool in July rather than September as originally intended. This was not an easy decision. I had envisioned one last summer before J starts his years of schooling. Mother and son bonding time, adventures, play dates, just some serious fun. Instead it has been extremely challenging. For all that the 'terrible twos' weren't so terrible, three has been awful. It feels like we are constantly butting heads as he explores his independence. And I am wiped out and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Something had to give and in the end it was my idealized version of how our summer would be.

I feel like I'm admitting to a pretty big 'fail' and I really, *really* don't like to fail. But I know this is the very best choice for him. By giving up my 'idea' of how things should be, I am able to make a rational decision about what's best for J and myself.

Damn this being grown up sucks sometimes.

Today I am - parenting version

"Going to say "yes" even if its through gritted teeth

Not going to yell, raise my voice or speak in a sarcastic tone

I am going to see how J reacts/behaves with a day full of permission to do rather than a ton of dont's

I'm going to be outside while he plays"

I wrote this this morning before the day really started. It lasted up until he started throwing gravel at the windows. Now I didn't yell but I may have spoken very strongly. Also when he grabbed the gift card I had on the desk and threw it. Exhausted. I'm exhausted. And I'm seriously considering starting him in preschool this summer rather than this Fall.

Freedom

My lovely neighbor and I were yesterday discussing the idea of freedom. Not freedom from tyranny but freedom in our every day lives. Breathing room. The ability to do things, create things, buy things. Wiggle room, space, flexibility.

I think it's underrated. Sometimes we hold onto ideals or beliefs so tightly that we don't give ourselves the freedom to breathe or to change.

Look at me at the beginning of the year. I was so determined to spend this entire year not buying any new clothes for myself or toys for J. Ignoring the fact that I love clothes shopping AND buying toys for J. It gives me a lot of pleasure. And we can afford for me to do these things (within reason of course, I'm not buying Balenciaga gowns and Hermes bags). I was so determined and held onto that belief that I needed to stop shopping so strongly that I self inflicted some pretty serious guilt wound every time I strayed and bought myself or J something. And of course I strayed, because it was a stranglehold, not an embrace.

This past month, after the horrible pictures of myself at J's birthday party, I gave myself the freedom to buy a new Spring/Summer wardrobe. It was so needed. I'm still learning what looks best on my 40+ year old body but it definitely wasn't much of what I had in my closet!

I have chosen to give myself the freedom to purchase quality items that make me feel pretty when I wear them, to buy new toys for J when I want and to do so without guilt. That's pretty freeing.

I'm starting a new blog and more!

Seriously. Because it's not like I have anything better to do. It just came to me in a flash 'What Mom Wears'. It's going to be silly and fun and fashiony. At least I think it will be. I may have to learn how to be more photogenic. I know I'm going to have to learn to use WordPress. Thank goodness for this post!!

I haven't been drinking enough water (have you? Go get yourself a glass right now, I'll wait). I can always tell because the *ahem* smile lines around my mouth get deeper when I'm dehydrated. How nice to have my own litmus test.

I hate when I order something from Amazon and because I was in a hurry and not paying attention, it's the wrong type of thing. But not worth shipping back and so now I have to live with the wrong thing. Argh.

I joined twitter. Related to the new blog but also because I really like talking. Or typing. And after being home this week due to a peanut with a cold, I'm desperate for ANY kind of communication. Even if it involves hashtags. Still trying to understand the whole thing. I need a kid to show me how to use it - maybe I should hand J my phone. He's pretty good at figuring things out.

Speaking of J. His ability to correlate and put things together astounds me. We saw a church with a small tower out front when we ran to Trader Joes today and he asked me what it was. I said "a tower for the church" which evolved into "what's a church" and then "like in the book with the birds". "Hmm", I'm thinking "what book?". Then I got it 'This Nest Is Best'. He totally made that jump. So cool!! So of course we had to read that book for nap time :)

Off to set up www.whatmomwears.com - why not?

Random things on my mind

1. Apparently the only way to buy jeans these days is to buy the tightest pair you can put on and still zip up and then let them streeeeeeetch out till they're a perfect fit. Which will take about 10 minutes. Seriously what is up with jeans these days? Are companies trying to flatter me by making me buy a size or two smaller than my normal size? I buy my normal size and by the end of the day I look like one of those kids with their pants around their butt. Thank goodness for Nordstroms 'we take any and all returns' policy.

2. Speaking of jeans, I got to go jeans shopping this weekend. All by myself. Have you ever tried clothes shopping with a three year old? No wonder I do all my ordering online. The UPS man can find my house blindfolded. Shopping in a store and at leisure felt like a luxury! I even tried on shoes! Amazing.

3. Neon is apparently very 'in' this summer. All I can picture is my head to toe neon outfit my grandmother bought me when I was in high school. I even had a big neon green lace bow for my hair. I'm a redhead. Yeah, it looked good. (hah!). These shoes are a better idea...

4. I have zero energy in the afternoons after I fall asleep putting J down for nap. It's an effort to do any of the things I need to do - so I'm going to fight off those naps if possible. But it's so warm and snuggly lying down with him....

5. I'm spending this morning catching up on a ton of kitchen and home to dos. Things I have been neglecting or have just not had the energy/incentive to get moving on. Cleaning out the chicken run of random stuff, cleaning out the chick brooder (now that they're in their new digs), bread baking, granola and sauerkraut making, cheese and seed cracker baking. A very long list has been written down this morning and I'm hoping to get them all crossed off today.

6. I refuse to feel any guilt for turning on cartoons this morning. Mama needs to get stuff done and it's just quicker and easier when I don't have my shadow.

7. Speaking of shadows, we dropped off J's school paperwork yesterday and all he wanted to do was stay and play with the kids. The kiddo is more ready than I am.

8. I have sold off our old outdoor furniture and ordered replacements. Very excited to have really comfortable and attractive seating!

9. The coop is almost done - it looks so amazing. I'm SUPER proud of D for making such an awesome home for the ladies. It's attractive too - which is good since we see it out of the breakfast room window!

10.  I'm thoroughly enjoying feeling stylish. I'm making the effort and I definitely feel good. Revelling in it actually.

11. Loving the new Kusmi BB Detox tea. I have no idea if it's actually as beneficial as they say but it tasted delicious and vibrant.

12. Loving also the new shoes I got from REI. They're totally cute and really comfortable. Hoorah for comfortable cute shoes!

I'm done with yelling

I am so very, very tired of yelling. Yelling out of frustration, anger, exhaustion, and literally being at the end of my rope.

Tonight I just almost collapsed from the frustration of having to say, yet again, "don't splash the water out of the tub". Again. And again. I'm just done. I'm so tired of how the anger makes me feel, of the person the frustration turn me into. I'm just done. I'm leaving that person behind and becoming...I don't know what. Not a permissive mom because permissive 'let the kid do what it wants' parenting doesn't work with me. Enforced rules work with me. Not having to yell about rules works with me. I'm going to have to figure this out but I know I can't spend the next however many years of Js life yelling at him or I will become old and bitter before my time and he will end up in therapy talking about his mother the witch. I will lose sight of the pleasure and joy in being a mom. So I'm done. I will bite my tongue when it wants to yell. I will discover another voice. What that voice may be I have no idea. I will also need to learn to keep the anger and frustration out of my voice. I need to remember that he is learning about himself through me and my actions. No pressure at all. Sigh.

Addendum - tonight putting J to bed, I found myself saying "your behavior is making me irritated and frustrated if I get irritated enough, I will leave". Maybe this is my new voice? It certainly got a better/quicker reaction and didn't involve yelling!

Bad habits

Once again I ate breakfast in front of the computer this morning and J had his on the coffee table in front of cartoons.

This is something I have been trying to change for quite a while. If J is ever going to learn patience with eating at the table, or how to hold a conversation, or table manners, we need to eat the majority of our meals at the table.

I did ok there for quite a while. Breakfast and lunch at the table together, dinner all together in the formal (yes we have a formal dining room, complete with chandelier) dining room. And then we went on vacation, and got sick and baseball season started (Go Giants!) and I lost the good habits that I had formed and fell back into the bad ones that were so easy and comfortable. Eating a bowl of soup while sitting on the couch watching a sporting event and flipping to an old movie is a lot of fun. But it doesn't promote conversation or teach J good habits.

So I need to find that balance again. I don't want to restrict us to only eating at the table because sometimes Mama needs that time in the morning and we all love watching the Giants or Monday Night Football but we should be eating at the table(s) more than the couch. So as I'm feeling better and as I feel more like cooking and not so much like only heating soup from the freezer, I will work us back to eating at the tables too. Not striving for every day but searching for the balance of most of the time.

Living in the greys

I have this tendency to live in extremes. I'm either all or nothing. Black or white.

I swore at the beginning of the year to do the compact and not purchase any new clothes for myself or toys for J. Well that lasted till March when I snapped after seeing a picture of myself at J's birthday party and, of course, I've been buying things for J all along. I can't resist. I love giving him things. I also love new clothes. So by attempting to do the compact, I was denying myself two things that I truly enjoy. And it backfired (as it usually does). I ended up buying myself a lot of new (better looking) clothes and, as I've said, I've been buying toys and books for J all along. I need to find the balance. The grey area. It's not all or nothing.

Healthy eating falls into that too. Yes, we are still eating organic, pastured and grassfed, I'm still making and baking, we are 'no processed foods' and I still try and restrict our sugar intake. Mostly because I think this is the very best for us and man I sure do feel better eating this way. But you can go too far. I still want J to enjoy treats and I want to enjoy them myself without guilt of any kind. When we go out to eat or to a friend's home, I'm just going to enjoy the experience. I'm not going to worry about where the meat is from and if the salad is organic. I'm just going to enjoy the meal. If J has the occasional piece of candy, it's not the end of the world. (Occasional, definitely not every day). Food is about pleasure not guilt. I find that the stronger I restrict something, the more I rubber band the opposite direction. The grey area feels right here too.

The grey area, a good balance, equilibrium, fair. This is what I want to achieve in my life. So instead of restricting things, instead of saying "no, don't, can't have", I'm going to say "yes, in moderation, balanced, fair". It feels right. I know it will take work. After so many years of being an extremist, I'm having to retrain myself. Also having to learn to let go of the guilt that walks hand in hand with denial.

I mean just.....SPRING!!

I feel like Spring sprung upon me this year, I went away for a weekend and I came back to all this beauty!

 

 

A weekend with extended family

This is basically a love letter to my family.

Once a year, my whole extended family comes together from all over the country. Grandfather, aunt, uncle, my immediate family and all my cousins and my cousins children. Four generations of us gathered together ostensibly celebrating Passover but really celebrating us. Our family.

We cook and hang out together, catch up on each others lives, marvel at how the children have grown, how big the babies are now and just revel in being together. These once-a-year long weekends are very precious to me. I adore, respect and love my cousins. They are such wonderfully fascinating people and they have all married people who are equally intelligent and fun to be around. I wouldn't mind being stuck on a desert island with any one of them.

The children are all close in age and are really, really neat kids. Watching J start to worship his 'big cousin L' and love playing with all his cousins reminds me of how it was for me growing up with my cousins.

The knowledge of my family surrounds me and makes me feel safe and warm. Having family that respects and accepts who you are, who loves and supports you, that you can always rely on and that is super fun to be with is such a blessing and privilege. I realize how wonderful it is that J is getting the chance to grow up with this as well. I wish my family all still lived close to each other but, as J grows older, I foresee travels to visit ahead of us. Luckily everyone lives in really neat parts of the country but even if we were stuck in Dullsville, Boringtown we would still find ourselves having a marvelous time full or laughter and creating amazing memories because its the PEOPLE, our family, who really bring joy and happiness to us.

This weekend

I refuse to worry and I refuse to dwell on things that will increase my level of stress.

About a week ago, my right eye started twitching in the lower lid. Yesterday, my left eyelid decided to join the rhythm. Obviously something is going on with me.

Googling eye twitches lets me know they can be caused by stress, alcohol, caffeine, lack of sleep or dry eyes. Other than caffeine (which I don't drink), I can say "yes" to all of the above. My wine intake is (relatively? comparatively?) low but the stress definitely feels high. My body is obviously telling me something is wrong. Now to just figure out how to deal with it.

Gutting the closet. Again.

Over the past few days I have been pulling things out of my closet that hadn't been cut with my first overhaul. Things I'm now looking at with clearer vision and can see that I will never, ever, wear them again. Some are gifts that I kept out of guilt and some are items that used to look good on me back in the day when I had longer (redder) hair. Some I've kept hoping to fit into them again and some are tied to good memories. And some are cashmere. None of them suit me any more and none of them have been worn in the past year (or longer). It's time they found new homes.

My style seems to be ever evolving and while I have found it very frustrating in the past, I'm getting closer to coming to terms with my changeability. I never was a person who had a 'set' way of dressing. No pearls and twinsets. No biker boots and leather. Nothing that ever defined who I was or what group I was a part of. Life would be a lot easier and I'm positive I'd have spent a lot less money if I did have 'life uniform' to adhere to.

I currently spend most of my time in jeans. With a 3-year old this is not surprising. I have very recently discovered that wearing 'skinny' jeans makes me look thinner while baggy jeans make me look bigger. Huh. So out go the baggy jeans that looked so cute on the model and very mediocre on me. While I do spend my days in jeans, I like to look nice. A bit dressier. A nice top and some good jewelry. I can wear brighter colors now that my hair is going white so I am enjoying tops in turquoise, berry, magenta and orange. Colors I would have had to avoid like the plague when my hair was redder for fear of looking like a clown. Nice shoes too. I like nice shoes. No high heels but pretty flats. Chic boots. Am I forming a wardrobe? One that will see me through the next 5-10 years? I hope so. I really love the idea of a capsule wardrobe where I have a set amount of basic pieces that can mix and match. I just never figured to be my age and STILL figuring out how to dress myself well.

Today I am

Working with D to plan our new coop - luckily he is organized and a planner

Looking forward to grilled flank steak with chimichurri tonight

Tickled that we have half a pig being processed into ham steaks, roasts, ribs, chops, bacon, etc. We're taking everything but the oink as they say

Loving this gorgeous sunny day

Looking VERY forward to moving the chicks out of the playroom - it's filthy in there and needs a good dusting and vaccuming so J can go back in and play again!

Enjoying playing with the chicks still - they're so cute

Waiting for my new clothes to arrive

Ordering pics from J's birthday party

Looking forward to our family reunion next weekend

So incredibly excited for my haircut tomorrow - I'm feeling very bedraggled

Cheering on the little fish in the NCAA tourney!

Sometimes I feel like I am

two women living in the same body. One is Earth Mother, homemade, homemaking, gardening, frugal, basic and definitely not stylish but comfortable. The other is a woman who cares deeply about appearance, loves to shop and look good, desires new clothes, wears makeup, likes painted nails, pedicures, spas, a good haircut, spends money and being attractive. I have yet to figure out a way to balance the two. I am both but it seems only in extremes.

Google 'Life Balance' and most of what you get is work/life balance. That's great, but not what I'm looking for. I need an article that's about life/life balance, a self help program, 12 steps, something, anything, to help me figure out how to happily meld these two sides of my personality.

Last December I removed my fake nails after 11 years. It felt right plus the thought of all the toxins I was exposing myself to every two weeks made it an easy(ish) decision. I was comfortable with the no polish, no pedicure, trim my own hair, save money, live with what I had, no shopping turn my life had taken. Then Spring hits and POW, suddenly I am shopping for a new wardrobe, making a salon appointment, painting my toes and fingers, putting on makeup, rearranging the furniture and debating spa treatments.

While it can definitely be seasonal, I do have my triggers. This time it was a picture of myself at my son's birthday party. I looked like a lumpy, pear-shaped woman who cared nothing about what she looked like. Gross. I looked gross. And suddenly the part of me that cares about these things, really cares, culled the wardrobe, ordered (a lot of) new clothes, painted her nails, made a hair appointment, started wearing more makeup and is debating getting a facial/massage regularly.

So how do I balance the two? How do I stay the earthy mama, frugal homemade homemaker who is totally laid back and the fashionable woman who really wants to look good, is willing to make an effort to do so and wants those treatments at the salon and new clothes? I haven't figured it out yet. I feel like they are totally counter to each other but they're both part of me.  And I'm either all one or all the other. They both feel like me but neither one makes me completely happy. I want to do all my homemade stuff and be comfortably casual, but what I'd really like is it to be effortlessly chic not just 'casual'. It's so hard. All I know is that I have to figure this out or I'm going to spend the rest of my life binging in both directions.

Eco-friendly goody bags

My son's birthday party is today. In order to keep our sanity, we are hosting it at my son's gym and having the party catered from a local sandwich/pastry shop. Totally over the top? Why yes, yes it is. I am perfectly aware that I am insane for doing a three-year old birthday party this way but it seemed completely sane at the time we booked everything.

Anyways. In the grand birthday tradition of kids parties, I have put together goody bags for each child attending. While I think the idea of a goody bag for a kid attending a kids party is right up there with wedding favors, I actually had a really good time putting these bags together. I wanted to go as eco-friendly as possible and also create something the kids would actually use and keep. These are the things I found.

Cotton muslin bags - rather than using throw away paper or plastic bags, I bought un-dyed muslin bags. They're sturdy enough for kid use and I hope they get played with at least a little.

In each bag I put:

A 'Smencil' - a scented colored pencil made from 100% recycled newspapers. They come in their own tubes so they're rather festive looking.

A Stencil - I bought a packet of 24 and stuffed each bag with one of the. J loves drawing and doing stencils so I thought it would be a good, lasting gift to include.

Dinosaur Notepad - teeny, tiny and super cute.

Yummy Earth Lollipop - We try to avoid sugar, but what's a goody bag without a little treat? J loves these organic lollipops so I tucked one into each bag.

Soft breeze
Sunshine
Friend visit
Clothesline
Birthday party
Family coming
Birds singing
Bees humming
Bursting buds
Blossoming
Spring here
World awesoming
Garden plotted
Chicks growing
Hens laying
Garden sowing
My sweet baby
No longer
Little boy
Growing stronger
Feeling happy
Blissful
Warm sun
Heart full

Ok that does it.

I am refusing to read any more mom articles, mom blogs, mom forums, mom lists, or mom books. I am done, finit, caput.

Last night was the last straw. I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, my mind whirling with the words from one article that made the rounds on Facebook yesterday. It was about 'how your child just wants to be with you and therefore ignoring that need and being, well a human with their own needs and wants, makes you less of a parent'. I felt racked with guilt about how I had pushed J away yesterday morning when he was clingy (like a little vine he was). I had stuff I needed to get done and all he wanted to do was hang on my arm. I fell asleep thinking I was the worst parent in the world.

I woke up knowing that I do a pretty damn good job and that I don't need that extra layer of guilt or pressure. I'm not perfect, none of us are, and there are already too many other moms to compare ourselves to. We create enough guilt on our own to have any additional pressure applied from the outside. I don't need some article telling me that I'm doing something wrong. And they ALL say we're doing something wrong. Every single damn one of them.

I find that every time I read something that makes the rounds on Facebook or Yahoo or wherever, I feel inadequate. I'm not doing something sufficiently or to the best of my 'mom ability'. They never come out and say "you're damaging your child" but I am left feeling like I should be doing something, or everything, better than I am. I'm not paying enough attention/I'm paying too much attention, I shouldn't yell/I should be firm, co-sleep/never co-sleep, feed this/don't feed that, free play/keep an eagle eye on them, on and on and on.

In reality, I'm doing the best I can. Some days are better than others. Some days my frustration levels are epic and other days they're mellow. Some days I feel like a banshee and some days I'm an angel. I love my kiddo more than anything in this world, I tell him he is special and wonderful and how much I love him, how much I will ALWAYS love him. I'm just doing the best I can and really, that's all I, or any mom, can ask for.