Living in the greys

I have this tendency to live in extremes. I'm either all or nothing. Black or white.

I swore at the beginning of the year to do the compact and not purchase any new clothes for myself or toys for J. Well that lasted till March when I snapped after seeing a picture of myself at J's birthday party and, of course, I've been buying things for J all along. I can't resist. I love giving him things. I also love new clothes. So by attempting to do the compact, I was denying myself two things that I truly enjoy. And it backfired (as it usually does). I ended up buying myself a lot of new (better looking) clothes and, as I've said, I've been buying toys and books for J all along. I need to find the balance. The grey area. It's not all or nothing.

Healthy eating falls into that too. Yes, we are still eating organic, pastured and grassfed, I'm still making and baking, we are 'no processed foods' and I still try and restrict our sugar intake. Mostly because I think this is the very best for us and man I sure do feel better eating this way. But you can go too far. I still want J to enjoy treats and I want to enjoy them myself without guilt of any kind. When we go out to eat or to a friend's home, I'm just going to enjoy the experience. I'm not going to worry about where the meat is from and if the salad is organic. I'm just going to enjoy the meal. If J has the occasional piece of candy, it's not the end of the world. (Occasional, definitely not every day). Food is about pleasure not guilt. I find that the stronger I restrict something, the more I rubber band the opposite direction. The grey area feels right here too.

The grey area, a good balance, equilibrium, fair. This is what I want to achieve in my life. So instead of restricting things, instead of saying "no, don't, can't have", I'm going to say "yes, in moderation, balanced, fair". It feels right. I know it will take work. After so many years of being an extremist, I'm having to retrain myself. Also having to learn to let go of the guilt that walks hand in hand with denial.