Capsule wardrobe update and shoe musings **now with new and improved update!**

Today I worked on my shoes. Oh boy, my shoes. I used to work at a corporate job that required heels and suits for meetings. I now walk around barefoot or in slippers and I'm a woman in comfortable (yet stylish) shoes when I go out ;)

I spent many years collecting fabulous shoes that I can't walk in now. Carrie from Sex and the City would covet my collection. Yet there they sit in their boxes gathering dust while I go about my happy barefoot homemaker/mommy life. I do not foresee wearing these shoes any time in the near future (even if I could walk in them without breaking an ankle). J's school run will be done by a mom lucky to have all her clothes buttoned much less in fancy shoes. So what to do with them? I've tried selling them with no luck. I don't want to just donate them (there's a lot of capital wrapped up in those silly stilettos) but I also don't want to be looking at them on my shelves every time I open my closet. I think I will box them up and stick them in the loft. Where all our random stuff disappears until we are ready to donate. It's sort of the way station in our lives.

Now why did I buy these shoes in the first place? Seriously. Why? One pair I have never worn and has straps so thin I'm not sure what the heck I was thinking when I did buy them. One pair was worn to a wedding and never worn again. The others were worn at times but never enough to justify their purchase.

I think it was a confluence of things. I didn't really like my job so I shopped (often right after work as a 'pick me up'). The people I worked with all liked/had/talked about/noticed labels. The successful women in my group (there were a few women) all wore expensive designer labels and I bought into the line of 'dress for the job you want'. But mostly buying expensive designer shoes made me feel good. It made me feel sexy and successful. I loved going to Neimans or Saks and trying on the shoes, walking around the shoe department, admiring myself in the mirror. I dreamed of a flashy life where I would actually wear these shoes. Dinners out, theater, galas, trips to exotic places. I mean seriously. I really, really could envision myself wearing these shoes and doing these things. And they did happen, but rarely. Mostly I came home from work exhausted and slightly depressed, showed D the shoes and put them on my closet shelf where there they sat.

I enjoy going out to eat and I do love the theater and all the rest but now when I envision doing those things again some day, I'm wearing shoes I can walk in and I'm introducing my son to these pleasures. It's not about me, it's about him and us as a family. That's so much more fulfilling.

** Update. While J napped, I moved the fancy schmancy shoes into our loft in the garage and pulled out about 6-7 pairs that I haven't worn, won't wear and/or that hurt my feet (why oh why did I ever buy them?!) and I'm giving them to a friend or donating them. I dusted the whole closet, rearranged some things and I feel SO much lighter and freer and happier. Ah what a good cleaning and getting rid of stuff can do for ones soul.**

It was 6 months ago that

we let go our housekeeper. Not coincidentally this was also the time I found the Mr. Money Mustache blog. If you haven't yet checked him out, skeedadle on over there, go on, I'll wait. For those who refuse to skeedadle, it's a blog dedicated to financial independence and giving people a swift kick in the arse when they need one. And boy did I need one.

When I was laid off at the end of 2010 (I knew it was coming, so no tears), I kept right on spending like I was still employed. I had a new baby who needed THINGS and STUFF. And then we remodeled our kitchen and I naturally needed NEW things for my brand new kitchen. I ignored the fact that everything I had was perfectly lovely, serviceable and worked great. Didn't matter, I needed NEWER and BETTER STUFF. I needed a housekeeper. I needed new clothes to go with my new yummy mummy status. I had this image in my mind of how things were going to be. I really thought that this was how things should be and how they were supposed to be. Moms try not to laugh when I tell you I bought a pair of heels, picturing myself pushing my adorable new son around Stanford Mall dressed to the delicious nines and wearing those heeled boots. Uh huh.

This mentality and need to consume seems to have been with me my whole life. As far back as I can remember, I've wanted more, never being happy with what I had. I have no idea if this is just part of my makeup or if it is something else, but it doesn't really matter. The reality is that I have to fight my urge to spend on an almost daily basis. I have had these pictures in my mind of how my life should be and I have done whatever I could to achieve that image. Mostly through spending.

The veil slowly started falling (it's still slowly falling) from my eyes about 6-7 months ago. Not only did I (sort of) come to realize that:
     a) I no longer had any income coming in (nor was I planning on bringing in any new income),
     b) I had a totally skewed vision of my life and how it was supposed to be,
     c) I do NOT want J growing up thinking that happiness is the next new thing and not being happy and content with what he had,   
     d) I was paying people to do jobs that I was perfectly capable of doing myself, 
     e) I'd really like D to be able to retire early. I like being with him, I really do, and the idea that     
maybe he could be home permanently in maybe 10 years? I LOVE that idea and
     f) By getting rid of the housekeeper I freed up enough money to start a vacation account which showed me the possibilities.

This month I am focusing on this aspect of my life changes. I want to learn to be satisfied and happy with what I have. I want to acknowledge and recognize that I am very privileged and that not only do I have everything I need but what I actually need, what I've always needed is nothing that can be purchased.

I am very lucky

for many reasons of course, but what was really brought to mind today was how lucky I am to be surrounded by and blessed with friends who are like-minded when it comes to some pretty fundamental things.

My food journey for one. We didn't always used to eat this way and I was not always a religious label reader. I didn't always insist on whole, real foods. There used to be convenience foods in our cupboards and fridge. I bought bread and crackers and thought that because they said 'organic' on the label, they were fine . I ate refined white sugar. I didn't care about GMOs. I knew corn syrup was bad but I didn't know it was in everything. I hadn't researched soy, I ate veggie burgers.

I would say that within the past 6 months there has been a pretty fundamental change in how we eat and what we buy. The changes were brought on by conversations with friends and family, articles read and a deep gut feeling of how we are supposed to nourish our bodies. My friends (and family) have been nothing but supportive and encouraging. Asking questions, giving advice, teaching, offering help and hints. I can't imagine how difficult this would be if any one part of the equation was mocking, hurtful or unsupportive. It might make me more defiant, but it would also undoubtedly make me feel weird and like I had to hide how we eat or that I couldn't talk openly about it.

When you're finding a new path, it's so, so helpful to have someone to talk to about it. To bounce ideas off of, to give you kefir grains (hi Felicity!), to share ideas back and forth. We need this so much in our daily lives. Without support, it's awfully hard to forge ahead sometimes. So basically this post is a huge thank you to all the amazing and remarkable women and men in my life who have taught me so much and who continue to encourage, challenge and teach me on a daily basis. Thank you.

January life changes check in

So I had some pretty big goals that I set myself at the beginning of this year. Things I wanted to accomplish. Not resolutions but life changes. Let's check in shall we and see how I'm doing so far.

(Is it bad that I had to go grab a cheat sheet list so that I would remember what they are? I think so.)

1) Work on having a capsule wardrobe, only wear things that make me feel good.
I am actually doing pretty well with this one. I'm still cutting things out, I donated those old sweat pants, I'm more conscious of how I look in my clothes. Still some work to do, I have a closet full of unworn shirts and they're unworn for a reason.

2) Keep exercising, start Pilates.
Does doing my Pilates dvd once this month count as starting it? I didn't think so. After a great 2 weeks of walking on the treadmill, I haven't made much effort to get back up on it. The stress that I created by trying to walk and then get us out of the house was not worth it to me. I need to find a time that I can walk - I think it's going to have to be when we don't have anywhere we have to be. And we have somewhere we have to be almost every day of the week. Hmm. This needs work.

3) Create a healthy home environment.
I've become very aware of everything we bring into our home and I'm continuing to educate myself along those lines. So much to learn. I feel good using the Method and Meyer brands of cleaners. I'm trying to reduce the amount of packaging that we get too. It's crazy.

4) Cook and eat only real food.
I knew when starting that this was going to be the easiest change I wanted to make. It's something I am absolutely passionate about and that always makes things easier doesn't it? Plus I was already well down this path anyways.

5) The Compact.
Ah yes, and this one I knew would be the absolute most difficult and so it has proven to be. My version was mostly to stop myself buying new clothes for me and J new toys. Unfortunately it didn't include the supplies for card making among other things. The old Amazon habit needs to be reigned in sharply. The upside is I haven't bought myself any new clothes and I kept myself to only buying J 3 new toys this month. Let's just say this change needs a lot of work.

6) Turning off technology.
And we were doing so well. Then J got a cold and to keep him quiet and mellow, we watched movies. Which led D and I to watching the same movies (don't judge, Pixar makes great films) that night on the couch with our dinners. Um, yeah, old habits are very hard to break. I'm having to wean myself and J back off the tv and movies. It's so easy to just turn on the tv to entertain him when I want to do something involved. This needs a lot of work. I'm not sure I realize on a day to day basis that my time with him is limited. School starts soon.

7) Finding time to do what I want to do.
I'm not sure any parent feels like they have much time to themselves. I just looked up my library account to find I have a fine on my current library book. It's not even that long a book. I've been reading a bit while J is sitting on the potty (ah potty training) but that's not exactly the same as sitting and relaxing while reading now is it? I also feel lucky to write in my journals. I also have all these lovely projects, including my first card commission (thank mom!) and now I need to find the time to do them. Time where I'm not being pulled in several different directions and no one needs me for anything. Or I just ignore those things and sit down at the table and just make things. I don't know - working on this one too.

9) Making memories.
So far the memories have been simple but sweet. January came and went in a blink. We had some really good days and I feel like I learned a lot about myself. J has grown in leaps and bounds and I'm discovering a new person in him. I need to learn to slow down and appreciate where I am right now.

My Fledgling

I just sent my not-quite-three-year-old son off to the zoo with his grandparents.

To an outsider this will seem like nothing worth noting. But this is the very first time he will be off with someone other than me or my husband. The first time he will be having adventures and fun without me. The first time where if he needs a hug, or does something or learns something new, it won't be around me. The first time I won't be there to pick him up if he falls. Or give him his lunch. There will be stories to tell, but I will only be on the receiving end. When he comes back exhausted and excited and laughing, I will have to imagine what they did together. There was a moment of sadness in the car that was immediately extinguished by the thought of showing Grandmother and Pop Pops the sheep and goats.

He no longer needs to follow me upstairs when I go to hang laundry. Yesterday he stayed inside the gym instead of coming out with me to the car. He let his coach show him how to do a forward roll. He told me for the first time "I only like daddy, not mommy". My heart hurt a little but I was proud. He's pushing away, just a bit.

The house is quiet, but not his nap-time quiet where I'm shushing the dog. It's just me alone in my house quiet.

I picture his little fledgling wings unfurling a little. He's definitely exploring his place in this family and his world. Sometimes those elbows are sharp but we're learning together this new person he's becoming.

My astronaut

How I Spent A Crafty Monday

One of the things I love about the spot we vacation in Boonville is the oaks covered with the lichen Old Man's Beard. It's wispy and rather romantic and I love the way it covers the oaks around our cabin. As we took walks and hikes, I collected small branches and twigs covered with the lichen. I was feeling particularly clever and crafty thought about making a wreath from it. Part of my new life changes - to get more creative and crafty. I did however, have the forethought that I had never made a wreath, attempted a wreath or thought about making a wreath before. I went in with high hopes and no clue.

I started by buying a round wire wreath form from Michael's and green 24 and 20 gauge wire. It seemed right and wasn't too expensive. This holiday morning, with my creative juices flowing, I  decided to tackle the project. I'm really happy with how it turned out and, wonderfully enough, I chose the perfect medium for my first wreath. Old Man's Beard is very forgiving stuff. It tucks in and sticks where you want it to, its great at covering the green wires and wire form and it looks really pretty when done. Now I just need to go back to Boonville to collect more....



 

I organized the sticks and twigs by size

I started wrapping the larger branches with the heavier wire. Videos weren't much help but they did show me to keep the wire going in a continuous spiral. Unfortunately I don't have pictures of the middle of the process (there was a kiddo needing attention at the time) but I used the smaller wire  (using the same spiral wrapping around and in between) to wrap the smaller twigs over the larger sticks. I finished the wreath by tucking small bits of old man's beard and small twigs into the spaces between the sticks and twigs in order to cover the green wire.

 

Hanging on the front door - this isn't the greatest picture. I'll try to get a better one. I think it needs sunlight or a better camera.

Details 

 

My very favorite song lyric in the whole wide world is

"You gotta accentuate the positive/eliminate the negative/latch on to the affirmative/don't mess with Mr. In-between". (Anyone else singing along as you read that?). It speaks to how I want to live my life. How I want to view the world. How I want to raise my son.

It's so easy to focus on the negative, so easy to bring out the 'whippin stick' and lay stripes on ourselves for flaws, real or only self-perceived. I'm not sure anyone is harder on us than us. I know it's true for me. If anyone ever read my journal they'd think I was full of self-loathing. It's full of the the things I do wrong and very little I do right. The journal I keep for J, however, is ONLY full of wonderfulness. That's not right, I need wonderfulness too. I need to stop lashing myself. I've found that the negative thoughts can just build up over time until that's all I see. I miss the beauty, the happiness, the laughter.  The things about me that are really amazing and special.

J is driving me crazy with his almost -three-year-old dramatics - I HAVE AN ALMOST THREE YEAR OLD! I can't tell you for how many years it didn't even seem like this was ever going to happen.

There are days that feel like pure drudgery, laundry, dishes, cook, feed, clean, change diapers, repeat - there are definitely days that are full of chores, but they are also full of spontaneous hugs, kisses, laughter, conversations and helping. I wouldn't change being a stay-at-home-mom for anything.

I totally and completely went over budget this month  - I spent money on some things I'm very excited about, a new hobby and presents for D's birthday.

I really need to lose 20 pounds, I'm not as thin as I once was - I now have much better *ahem* assets than when I was skinny and a husband who thinks I'm gorgeous and tells me so often.

My house is a mess, I can't ever seem to keep it clean - I have a beautiful home full of things I love.

We don't have enough money for _____ - we have enough for what we need and then some.

I never get out at night anymore - I have wonderful activities to do during the day and friends to see, I could fill every day of the week if I so chose.

We don't vacation the way we once did, no exotic locations, no foreign travel - while travel is simpler now and is more likely to involve a car trip and staying at a place with a kitchen, it's no less special or full of wonderful memories. And when J is old enough, we will show him the world.

And those are just the things that crossed my mind this morning. I'm tired of not...wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to my life. I have much to be thankful for and feel blessed about and it's time I start actively thinking about the good things - there are so many.

Something's Gotta Give

This past week has definitely felt....stressful.

I have been late getting dinner started almost every night with the result that we have been eating much later than we need to. Around 7:00 (or later) most nights. J's bedtime is 8:00 and so it's just not enough time. Plus trying to make dinner while he clings to my leg and says "dinner time, I'm hungry, dinner, DINNER!" does not make for an enjoyable time cooking. I don't know about other moms but a child who is hungry affects me deeply, especially if it's my child. I let him have some nuts and dried fruit but what he needs is dinner. The recipes have been delicious and healthy but by the time we sit down, I'm so stressed that it took so long that I can barely enjoy the meal. I don't want to give up trying new recipes, it's one of my absolute passions and I love cooking.

I've been doing a great job working out every morning, I've walked on the treadmill and even tried Pilates once, but then I rush to take a shower, get dressed and get us fed and lunches made before we need to leave to go to various play dates. Most days it's not so bad, and my friends definitely understand if I'm running late but the morning doesn't feel relaxed and there's no time for anything extraneous. Like laundry or writing or art.

Happily, J still naps but I rush around like crazy trying to get the house picked up, dishes finished, work on the computer (including writing this blog), Friday housekeeping done all before he wakes up. There's no time to read for pleasure or craft or write in my journal. I don't think I've written in my journals in over a week.

When he wakes up, I like to do art with him but doing art has me starting dinner later than I want and we're back at the beginning. I am the one who puts J to bed and by 8:00 I'm so wiped out that I'm falling asleep with him.

I just know I can't keep this up. I don't want to give any of these things up, I just feel like I'd rather not have so many all in one day but I can't imagine not doing any of them. They're important, I know they're important. There has to be a way I can do everything. I'm trying to figure it out.

* One idea I've come up with is to freezer dive on certain nights....but I never seem to know what days I'm going to need it. Almost every dinner was late this past week.

I have a little 'stingy voice' inside me

I have a confession to make. I battle a stingy voice. There, I said it. Oh, you wouldn't know it to look at or speak with me, but I do. It is the kind of stingy voice that wonders if I'm going to get a container back if I loan it to someone. That kind. I am not very proud of this. In fact I hate the little voice inside my head that has been second guessing my giving first impulses and it's time that voice was retired.

This year I'm going to fight that voice. I'm going to give freely without any thought or consideration for reciprocity. If I have an immediate urge to make a friend soup because they're ill, I'm going to. If I want to do something nice for someone, just because, I'm going to. I'm not going to be stingy with my abilities, time, food, or containers. If I have an urge to do something, I'll know it's the right choice. Because it makes me feel good and for no other reason. 

I wasn't always this way. I distinctly remember in college not being like this, I mean I was never over the top with my generosity, but I wasn't miserly either. As I've grown older it seems that the more I have, the less I give. I'm not speaking about financial donations to charities, I'm talking the things friends do for each other, a warm muffin, a meal, a little gift to brighten a day. There has been that voice always saying 'but', it was enough for me to second guess whatever my first impulse had been.

Interestingly enough, as I've been mulling this post over for a few days, it seems that the 'but' voice arises mostly around the issues of gifts of food. Now this makes absolutely no sense to me because: one, I love to cook and two it's not like I've ever been without. I'm making a chicken soup recipe for a friend and it calls for 12 cups of chicken broth. The little voice says "just buy stock from the store". I HAVE beautiful homemade chicken stock in my freezer. Plenty. Enough. So why is that voice telling me to save it for myself and mine? I can always make more.

I am glad that I still have the desire to give and that the miser in me hasn't drowned it out completely but I feel like it's been something I've wrestled with for years and I'm just done with it. That voice is wrong. I'm going to be the person I want to be.

My first day back into, not reality since vacation is, of course, reality too, but into the swing of things? The groove? Whatever, I'm back. Trying to follow the new schedule of Mondays being our baking/errand running day, walking on the treadmill, trying Pilates, not looking like something the cat dragged in, cooking real food meals, not relying on the TV or computer games to entertain J, crafting something, Me Time, doing some art with J, my god. That's a lot for one day to handle not to mention me.

I did get up on the treadmill for my 30 minutes of walking up a sweat, I did try Pilates and made it though a good portion of the dvd before I gave in to hunger pains and turned it off. Plus trying to do a dvd in my son's play room was...interesting. Between the toys on the floor, the cat and kid who both wanted to cuddle me and not being able to hear the instructions because J was talking to me, I think I did ok. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed turning it off even more. I'll try to finish it up tomorrow and see how long this dvd actually is. I know that my core is weak and this is definitely going to help that. Felt pretty good just putting it in the dvd player actually - something I haven't managed to do for the past 6 months!

I trimmed J's hair today. I've been trimming his hair and the Pippins. J's doesn't save much money (Pips saves $75!) but he hates going to the hairdresser and ducks and dodges so I actually end up giving him a more even cut than she does. I guess I'm getting better? This cut is definitely less of a monk look. My little elf looks adorable no matter what his hair looks like. :) Besides I love cutting hair, D used to (used to) let me cut his hair back in the days when he could wear a baseball cap to work.

I spent the weekend in some truly nasty old sweats and old t-shirts I have. I didn't put on mascara and I didn't even put gel in my hair yesterday. As a result I didn't FaceTime with my brother when he asked knowing that I wouldn't want anyone to see me this way (sorry Drew). Silly? Quite probably.
Would my brother care or notice? Probably not. I cared. Not enough to go put mascara on but I definitely felt less than great. I should probably just donate those sweats, they're a crutch. Ok I'm doing it. Consider them gone! They're the last vestige of not making an effort to look decent.

Today I've baked pretzels, whole wheat bread and made pizza dough for dinner tonight. Pizza will be topped with homemade tomato sauce, provolone, free range pork sausage, and chard from our garden. Eating well and eating real isn't going to be much of a challenge. I love good food. It's skipping the snacks and eating well while out that's going to be hard.

Haven't done art with J yet, but we will as soon as he wakes up from nap. I think we will make a get well card for a friend of his who is in the hospital. I gave away the little table and chairs that we had previously used as his art table - the only place to do art now is at the breakfast room table. I do better without a fall back.

Haven't bought anything today, besides pizza for my friend who is with her daughter in the hospital and that doesn't count. So far my monthly 'Not in The Compact' tally is towels and a puzzle for J. Tomorrow we are running all our errands and I'm going to Target and Michaels. This should be interesting. Fingers crossed I stay strong.

Ah back to reality. Mountains, foothills and valleys of laundry. A cat who decided to make, ahem, a mess on our bed and that stale mustiness from a home that hadn't been opened in over a week.

Laundry is gradually decreasing, load by load, the bedding has been changed and I've lit beeswax candles to help with the mustiness. D is out grocery shopping and for the first time that I can ever remember, our list for Whole Foods is longer than the one for Trader Joes. It's going to be very interesting and probably scary to watch our grocery bill increase as we try to eat mostly organic, real foods. Whole Foods is not the best place to be doing this shopping I know, but with bare cupboards and an empty fridge, we are kind of desperate for replacement fare. As I move into a normal routine starting Monday, I'm hoping to figure out how to keep the grocery bill within non-heart attack distance. In the summer, when we grow most of our veg, it will be easier, but in winter, chard is the only thing thriving out in the garden. That's another thing I have to work on, getting the fall crops in the ground in enough time so that they actually start before it gets too cold.

We have never had a huge amount of food waste, mostly because we have chickens. Those girls are awesome at eating anything and everything we don't. We eat in mostly local and in season, I make weekly menus (I'll start posting them) so we never buy much 'extra' at the store and I have learned the hard way not to shop while eating. I sound like a Yahoo! article. What I'm saying is I do pretty much everything right, but we only have so much each month for food and I am determined to eat real and not go over our budget. I should be holding some scales because that's what I feel like I'm doing. Money on one side and real food on the other. The first couple of months may involve some serious freezer diving at the end instead of grocery runs...

Updated to say that sending the husband to run grocery errands works well. He came back having spent only a little bit more than what we normally spend on a week of groceries. We may make it through the month, not having to buy any meat (besides bacon - you ALWAYS need bacon), definitely helped.

Last day of vacation. Tomorrow I head home and put into practice all the ideas and changes I have been formulating over the past weeks. Now we see how well they (and I) hold up in our daily lives. Some, like eating real food, will be easy. Others, like not spending any extraneous money, won't be.

I have blogs and people to inspire me. A three foot munchkin to keep me motivated. A husband who wholeheartedly supports me and the true desire to make changes that will be fundamental to how the next part of my life unrolls.

On a completely separate note, a post on the Mr. Money Mustache forum led to a response that has had me thinking. I asked who else was doing The Compact in 2013 and one respondent said that she/he found the movement 'elitist'. My immediate reaction was of wonder, 'how could a movement to stop consuming be elitist?'. Then, as per usual with me, I pondered and mulled the thought over the next day or so and they're right. The Compact movement can definitely be an elitist movement. If you have so much that you're able or willing to stop buying anything new, not out of necessity, but because it makes you feel better as a person, you want to boost your savings, to help the Earth, or, as in my case, because I need to get control of a bad habit, you're already part of an elite group. If you wave the banner and preach down to everyone about how you're NON-CONSUMING and try to make them feel guilty for what they are buying, then you my friend, are an ass. I certainly hope I never do that and if I do, my friends have the perfect right to give me a swift kick to the keister and I'm sure they will.

I'm doing The Compact for me and for my family, because I have a feeding frenzy shopping habit that, while it hasn't led to debt in many years, it is definitely putting a strain on our ability to save money for our futures or to make those 'life experiences' happen that I so desperately want.

We took a seriously long hike (well for a toddler) this morning. Saw a bald eagle. Took family pictures. Ate tomato soup for lunch. J took a nice long nap after carrying a pocket full of rocks the whole journey and D and I had some time to actually talk.

Main point of conversation was probably one that is carried out in various forms and ways around the world. "How do we make our weekends fun, memorable and not just errand running, chore doing, sports watching (this is actually me not D), 'where did the weekend go?". Now I don't have any illusions about being able to make every weekend something wonderful, but if we try for something fun every other Sunday say, shouldn't we achieve it most of the time? I'm willing to take the steps to make it happen.

First is making sure all errands are done during the week so that there isn't any last minute running around that ends up taking at least half the day. Second is to make sure all household chores (cleaning, laundry) is done during the week. Mondays have been my housekeeping days but I'm finding that by Friday the house is all crazy again. I'm thinking of switching to Friday so we start the weekend with a nice clean house. Easier to leave to go do something if I'm not leaving a mess behind....Third is to start teaching J to clean up after himself. He's going to have to do it when he goes to school so better to start training him now. Fourth is to come up with some ideas. Luckily we live in an area that is so chock full of fun, free (or inexpensive) things to do that we could easily go 52 weeks and not repeat anything exactly. D has a brain brimming with ideas and he's always finding new ones so we're lucky in that respect. Fifth, and this is the big one, I have to say "yes" instead of finding a reason not to go. It's my "yes" experiment. There are many adventures both small and large out there, I just have to leave the house to find them.

Simple pleasures today.
Play dough that feels really good in the hands,  walks in the sunshine on cold days, adventures and exploring, collecting twigs and branches covered in lichen to make wreaths (!), the view out the cabin window, sitting in the sun chatting with D while J digs in the dirt and plays with his trucks, puzzles at the table, hearty bean soup on the stove with crusty sourdough bread, my baby sleeping with his head on my chest, hot tea, the promise of thousands of stars tonight, interesting blogs to read, a wonderful new magazine discovered, warm, soft socks, J discovering the joy of a camera, The Rose Bowl, finishing my 2012 holiday ornaments in 2012, board games with J, watching Pippin joyfully run over the hills, bubble baths, cheese plates, this picture:

and this one:

 

 

All in all, a great way to start 2013!

Simple idea to make our life better.

I had an epiphany this morning as I sat at the table and wrote in my journal while J played with play dough (a repeat of yesterday morning). Being at the 'adult' table together made it so much more enjoyable for him and for me, it really opened my eyes to how things are situated at home. At home he has a little art table that's tucked into a corner of the breakfast room. The chair faces the wall. I usually set something up for him and watch for a little bit while he starts the project but I rarely sit with him while he does it. It's just not comfortable and I have a sudden feeling it's not comfortable for him either. I'd never really thought about it until we shared the table here.

I'm going to try something new, when he does art, it's at the breakfast room table with me. I may be doing something else (writing or crafting), but I will be with him. I have a really good feeling about this - and all it's going to take is a simple move.

This morning we woke to blue skies and the possibility of a warm sunny day.

Rainy yesterday feels like I spent the entire day (minus a break for wine tasting) saying "no", "don't do that", "put that down", "don't stick that in the plug!", etc, etc. Exhausting and not much fun and not at all what I want to remember from a vacation to a place I love. It even flickered across my mind that maybe we shouldn't do this again next year.

Today I decided that I would make the day about J and go where he led. After breakfast we played his first board game and let him make up the rules. He painted and did play dough while I sat at the same table and wrote in my journals. Instead of being irritated for not having a clear, uninterrupted ability to write, I let myself enjoy changing his paints or making imprints in the dough. Then he decided it was time to play outside with the balsa wood airplanes but since he wanted mommy to watch too, I was outside enjoying the warm sun and joining in the laughter of the loop de loops instead of doing dishes. Lunch and then a walk to the pond and barn, stepping in every puddle along the way. I mentioned once that it would make his feet cold and wet and then gave in and just enjoyed his utter delight in splashing around. I don't want him to fear puddles, water or getting dirty and it's all washable. It was so warm when we got back to the cabin that we stripped off his soaking clothes and let him enjoy the sunshine nekkid. A pure, joyful morning with only a few of the 'almost three' crying fits.

Now that it's nap time, I have that time to myself that I crave. I will confess that I'm hoping for a long nap. The peace and quiet is awfully nice.

We have plans for more board games and puzzles after nap....

So I read these French parenting books and they all are very focused on how the parents do not cater to the children, the children do their own thing and behave themselves wonderfully leaving their parents alone, etc. I have no idea how they do it. Not all of it is for me, but J is my complete focus and doesn't seem happy unless he has my complete attention at most if not all times. There has to be a balance and I'm trying to find it. Though today has been really fun :)

Update: J slept for 3 hours! :)

Me Time

'Me time'. It sounds so trite, so simple, such a marketing term along the lines of 'Calgon Take Me Away'. For those who remember that ad. I think my age is showing.

It used to not be important. It felt like most of the time was 'me time' and it was so easy. Then motherhood happened and suddenly I get it. Really get it. I can't think of the last thing I did for myself. Not by myself but for myself. I start feeling thin "like butter scraped over too much bread" (thanks Bilbo). D takes J out on weekend morning for 'adventures' and I end up cleaning the house, doing laundry or dishes. D suggests I take a bath to relax and if it does actually end up happening it becomes a group event as J insists on joining me. I know this sounds like I don't adore or appreciate my family but I do, I so do. I know how lucky I am to have such charming, sweet and loving men in my life. It's just sometimes I want to feel relaxed and renewed as me and I don't want to wait till J goes to college for it to happen.

So I am working on finding little pockets of personal time here and there. Little things for me to do that make me feel excited and connected. I ordered a couple of easy felting kits to dip my toes back into sewing. I have two lovely needlepoints that I want to work on. Doing them used to frustrate me to no end as J would end up practically in my lap watching the needle dip in and out. Then I had the simple realization that as he watches me do these things, he's learning to do them himself. And of course he wants to know what I am doing and of course he finds sewing and creating fascinating, it's magical to a child. Don't I want him to? Of course I do.

So mommy is going to take a deep breath and pull out the needlepoint and sewing. I'm going to show and teach him as I do them. It will take longer and I'm sure there will be mistakes but it's going to be worth it in the long run.

I had exactly what I wanted to say perfectly set in  my mind late last night and now I can't remember how it was worded. Sigh.

I'm pretty sure it was along the lines of how I know how lucky I am to be deciding between buying organic foods and saving and toys for my kid or clothes for me. These are privileged choices to be making. First world, doing ok, fully employed decisions. They are luxurious decisions but they are decisions that will affect my life and my family and they're things that need to be done.

I can only write about what I know and what I know is this - my life needs to change. I'm pretty darn close (if not already at) middle age and I'm not going to spend the next half of my life sitting on the couch, eating fake food, not moving my body and online shopping with nothing to show for myself at the end of the year. I don't want this life for myself and I don't want it for my son and husband. It's time to start saying "I can" and "YES!" a lot more. In the words of the immortal Mr. Money Mustache I need a face punch and I'm giving myself one. I really hope that I'm still writing in a years time and that my list of marvelous things to have happened and accomplishments made is pages long.

Some dietary changes we have recently made:

1) Started buying whole milk from a small herd of Jersey cows. It comes in glass bottles and has a layer of lovely cream on the top - we were people who drank only skim milk. link

2) I already made our breads (whole wheat and sourdough) and seed crackers but I started making cheese crackers for J too (to replace cheese sandwich crackers from Trader Joes). cheese crackers

3) Started buying full-fat yogurt. We love the Fage Greek yogurt, I'm received a yogurt maker for Christmas and will have fun experimenting with trying to replicate the Fage. By making our yogurt, I'll know exactly the quality of milk being used. I love that idea.

4) Started eating a LOT more butter and without guilt. I've been doing a lot of reading about how the fats that we have been told are bad for us, are actually good and the ones 'they' said were good are actually horrible. Go figure, the real ones certainly taste better.

5) I need to look into the cheeses we eat. I've read how raw cheese is good for you, but the ones I've found are crazy expensive. We go through a lot of cheese in this family and I want to be sure what we're eating is good for us.

6) I've started serving a cheese course after dinner. In part because we LOVE cheese and in part because I want J to have the pleasure of learning about new cheeses. I'm going to pick up new ones each week or so and we will all enjoy the new tradition of a cheese course. French Foodie Baby served as a pretty strong inspiration for this. http://frenchfoodiebaby.blogspot.com/

7) Cut down our sugar consumption in a very large way. In fact the only candy/sweets in the house are some organic lollipops I bought ages ago for my toddler. I'm the type of person who won't stop eating if it's in the house so the best thing is to go cold turkey. I have maple sugar for baking and will buy chocolate without soy lethicin when I need to bake something (I rarely need to make a dessert).

8) Buying only locally raised grass-fed beef and pastured pork. The beef is actually cheaper than anything from Trader Joes or Whole Foods but the pork is quite a bit more. The flavor however is incomparable. We are looking into splitting half a pig with family. That way it becomes much more reasonable. Beef Pork

9) Stopped buying almost anything with fake ingredients in it and started making my own versions of snacks, etc. Still looking for a kids cliff bars substitute.

10) Became very aware of the oils we use as well as the oils in the items we buy. This blog has been very helpful in choosing oils oils

11) We are eating a lot more saturated fats. Instead of thinking they're evil, a lot of things I've been reading from people I trust leads me to believe that we're being fed a load of bunk Homemade Mommy

The very last post of Life Changes I want to make and then I start living them.

I lay in bed the other night and tried to come up with a Top Ten for 2010. I used to have no trouble doing so, in fact it was difficult choosing the Top Ten. Often we ended up with many more. I came up with maybe five this year. Five out of twelve whole months to make amazing, or even just fun, things happen. Those five things felt really lame too.

I'm not talking the incredible international trips we used to take (at least not until J is older) but we can still DO things, go places, make our own adventures, fun and memories. The best fun we have is being together as a family, all of us being present for and with each other (getting out of the house helps). These are things I want J to grow up with too - not the memory of being surrounded by toys and parents who don't pay attention.

2012 feels like a year of...not survival really but definitely just living. Part of that is because we have a toddler and part is because making an effort felt like too much effort. It's also because the news out there isn't pretty and hasn't been pretty and a lot of what's going on just makes you want to pull the covers over your head. That's no way to live however. I guess in many ways I have been substituting my desire to feel like I'm living with shopping. The rush of expecting a package has taken the place of making plans to go places, do things and have adventures. Well that all changes this New Year.

Ok so I've listed out some pretty serious life changes for this upcoming year. At the end of 2013, I'd like them to just be part of me, so ingrained that I can't even remember what my life was like before. And I really want a healthy savings account, so many wonderful memories that they can't fit in my memory jar (link), and to have lived a wholesome life. I think I can do it.