Last week I offered to help a friend with her business because she seemed to need some extra hands on deck. I wasn't doing this out of the pure goodness of my heart, my bank account could use some extra padding as well and this would provide it.
The job I was envisioned would allow me to work from home for 3-4 hours while Jacob was in school. But (there's always a but). This job. It's full time. It's all hours. It could easily be 7 days a week. It's stressful and exhausting and I'm suffering and my boy is suffering and Derek is probably suffering too.
For example, I took J for ice cream and spent 3/4 of the time on the phone while J desperately tried to get my attention. DESPERATELY. And if anyone has had a 5 year old who is feeling neglected and ignored try to get their attention, they can feel my pain. And his.
I can already see us missing fun things with friends because of this job. I can see, in the 4 days I've been working, Jacob is desperately missing his Mama and I'm turning into Mama Bitch Who Can't Pay Attention Because I'm WORKING RIGHT NOW! And I'm not ok with that. I'm really not ok with that. My stress levels are insanely high. Jacob is feeling neglected and I'm pretty sure I've not been very nice to Derek. But I can't quit. Because she's my friend and I am the one who offered to help and I really enjoy it when I'm not inundated and overwhelmed. I'm not sure I can keep up this pace till June 11th which is when I have Jacob home full time. I'd love this job to be what I thought it would be, I really would. I'm not sure how to turn it into that. But I can't neglect my kid, nothing is worth that.